just trying to move on with life, past few days have been rather sad, and now i'm sick (again). DX i'm sort of ok now, other than cold. (thank you everyone who was nice and was supportive ._. and of course friends~)
i have a few ideas for pictures, and a lot of ideas basically for concept, laaaaa~

i sort of wonder if i should get an intuos4? i heard the nibs wear down really fast, the surface is rough close to paper. that's not good, considering i draw a lot and the nib apparently wears down in a day?
but i heard intuos4 has a smoothing function like in sai. is that true? i like sai a lot, but i'd not mind to have it over in photoshop once in a while. and the intuos 3 surface is really slippery and the pen moves almost too fast for me, even though i use the 9x12" one. also, by now i... really think i should get a new drawing sheet for mine... XD
i also just noticed my tablet has a tiny tear where the cord comes out... ugh, i'm going crazy if this thing really breaks. >_> i'll get rubber tape tomorrow to fix it...

nnngh, i'm sorry for always disappearing all suddenly :< i'm sort of going down the gutter lately, i sleep 3-4 hours a day now and i'm thinking of getting sleep meds again until i sort of feel better- b...but using them with care, this time. hahaha...

i'd really like to drag myself back up to a level where i could say i'm sort of emotionally pleased, but recently my cat, charlie started acting weird and getting more and more lethargic. by now his front legs are completely paralysed and numb. he can't walk, let alone stand anymore, and the suspects are either brain tumour or FIP (FIV, additionally?)- FIP is very likely because according to the first blood tests he has a worringly little amount of white blood cells. sadly, there's nothing you can do against it... tomorrow we get another, additional results if he has FIP and FIV now. i really don't know what the hell is the case though, his behaviour is sometimes really odd, a few days ago he sometimes acted like he had absolutely no idea who wether me or my mother was. but now he's doing fine, other than the fact he can't walk and/or stand, he just sits in a chair next to me now, for hours, i just switch his position every now and then... putting him on the litterbox is impossible. let's say he is... very fickle about being watched, let alone held while doing his business, but otherwise he'd just fall over. he's still eating, doesn't want to drink though, but he gets water and sometimes a little bit of milk fed by syringe. and playing with him gets his attention completely, even though his forelimbs are paralysed, and all he can do is watch. it doesn't seem like he's suffering, which makes it questionable if we should put him to sleep... but he can't do a thing on his own anymore...
i've been whining on and off about it to friends and anyone who got in contact with me recently, i feel bad about it, but talking about it helps me, i don't really expect anyone to do something about it (considering there is nothing that can be done about it anyway). i sort of wonder what i should do though to... get him to, uh, do his business peacefully, because i don't want him to do it right where he sits. of course i'd (and have already) clean it up once it happens, but ehahgh, i think it might be a good idea to grab him diapers or something tomorrow..? currently it's newspaper, but he gets so messy- and i don't want to stress him with cleaning him.

edit. charlie was put to sleep today, he had FIP and a brain tumour according to the official results...

heyoo, i'm sorry i've been inactive. i'm not feeling good lately- physically and mentally. i have problems with my drawing hand, i thought i had carpal tunnel, but it turns out i don't anywhere could have a carpal tunnel. i went to the hospital and had a far better doctor review it and it turns out i have some hypermobility syndrome thing. there's now no reason for me to keep my hand/entire arm still and not work as that'd only worsen the situation, so i can draw and work under painkillers now. i'm taking diclofenac now regularly, it also helps healing inflammations so just in any case- that's good! next week, or better, month i'm going to see a physiotherapist regarding proper therapy, we'd (my mom and me) have done this a lot earlier, but we don't have any money this month left, let alone the money to drive into town. eh gads.

my working desktop (drawing, webdesign and execution of) stopped working today, i don't exactly want to call it broken, because it's just the gfx card that fried itself for no reason. actually, i could recall a reason- it's some cheap gfx without onboard fan and there we go, mystery without the need to say more solved. for these, um, emergencies i have my HP book which works fine, even though it's vista and it's really slow for that reason e_e. i might clean my workdesk and move some things around so i can maybe start dual-desktopping later, because the 15" screen of my book is far too small to cooperate with my tablet. i'm not going to buy a new gfx card though (with what money?), that just wouldn't pay off anymore, because there are other components in that machine that are slowly dying (the mainboard is cuckoo, really o_o) and i'd better be off if i bought a new one, but... i have no clue how that's going to be possible financially.

as for commissions, i wanted to refund these so much earlier, i still owe stuff to =ChimeraRae and ~SirTrips! i hope it's sort of acceptable if i say i'll get around to refunding next month. i've been drawing for myself, yes, in my free time, but i just can't get your stuff right, and i don't want to send anyone a piece of crud and get away with that. ._. i hope it's okay to wait, and no, i've never, and usually do not use the money before i haven't finished commissioned work, but recently there have been emergencies and now i really hope next month is going to be a little bit "wealthier" so i finally give you your money back.

hmm, that's... all, i guess, sorry again.